What Leaders Avoid Saying, and Why It Matters
I've spent more than 15 years in university leadership, and I can tell you that some of the hardest decisions I've faced had very little to do with budgets, policies, or strategic plans. They had to do with people. More specifically, knowing when and how to have a conversation I would have much rather avoided.
Early in my career, when I was a new Dean of Faculty & Academic Affairs at Southeastern University, I found myself facing one of those situations.
We had a tenured professor who was exceptional in many ways. Students loved him. He was incredibly knowledgeable in his field, and his work had attracted significant grant funding to the university. By almost any traditional measure, he was an asset to the institution.
But there was a problem. He was dismissive of younger faculty members, showed little respect for their contributions, and wasn't particularly interested in helping them grow. For someone in my position, that presented a real dilemma. How do you address the behavior of someone who brings so much value to the university, particularly when you're still establishing yourself as a leader?
I knew his accomplishments deserved recognition. I also knew they couldn't excuse how he treated his colleagues. So, despite my discomfort, I had the conversation.
And you know what? Nothing changed immediately.
But something else happened. The younger faculty members began expressing their appreciation. They knew I had heard their concerns and was willing to address them. I also earned the respect of my university president, who saw that I was serious about the kind of environment I wanted to create.
Over time, the culture began to shift. Respect, collaboration, and supporting one another were becoming the expectations, and this professor eventually found himself on the outside of that culture. His behavior, once tolerated because of his accomplishments, no longer fit the environment we were building.
And that's when I began to see a change in him.
It didn't happen overnight, but eventually he became someone his colleagues could count on. The same professor who had once been reluctant to support younger faculty members became a more dependable part of the team.
That experience taught me something I've carried throughout my leadership career: Having a difficult conversation doesn't always produce an immediate change in someone's behavior. Sometimes it changes what everyone understands to be acceptable. And that can be just as powerful.
In his article, Conflict Debt: What Unresolved Staff Friction Quietly Costs a School by Spring, Anthony President explores how unresolved tensions accumulate and gradually affect an entire school community. I want to take that conversation a step further and look at the difficult decisions leaders face when they recognize a problem but hesitate to address it.
Avoidance is understandable. Leaders often choose silence because they want to preserve relationships, protect morale, or avoid adding pressure to already-overburdened staff. But silence has a cost.
What happens when leaders choose silence over clarity?
The Conversations Leaders Avoid, and How They Erode Trust
Across schools, districts, and education organizations, leaders tend to avoid a familiar set of conversations. These are not dramatic conflicts; they are the quiet, persistent issues that feel easier to postpone.
1. Addressing Performance Concerns
Avoidance often shows up as subtle workarounds, like reassigning tasks, lowering expectations, or quietly compensating for someone's gaps. Staff notice this more than leaders realize. When performance issues go unnamed, high performers feel burdened, struggling staff feel confused, and the team loses clarity about what "good work" actually means. Over time, staff also begin to question their leader's judgment.
Psychological safety depends on shared standards. Silence creates unevenness.
2. Naming Interpersonal Conflict
Leaders often hope interpersonal tension will resolve itself. But unspoken conflict rarely disappears; it simply becomes quieter and more entrenched. Staff experience this silence as a lack of protection or leadership presence. They begin to wonder whether their discomfort is visible, whether it matters, or whether they are expected to tolerate it indefinitely.
3. Setting Boundaries and Resetting Expectations
Sometimes leaders realize that agreements about communication norms, meeting expectations, or workload distribution are no longer working. Resetting those expectations can feel uncomfortable, especially when you're dealing with someone who has been part of the organization for years or whose contributions are highly valued.
But I've learned that allowing those expectations to slide can create confusion about what is acceptable. People begin to wonder whether the same standards apply to everyone. And over time, that uncertainty can undermine both trust and accountability.
Silence here communicates that misalignment is acceptable, even when it isn't.
What Leaders Can Say Instead
Leaders don't need perfect words. They need steady, forthright language that is honest, respectful, and grounded in care for the team.
Here are communication moves that help open difficult conversations without escalating tension:
1. Start with Observations, Not Accusations
Instead of: "You're not meeting expectations."
Try: "I've noticed a few patterns that seem to be creating challenges. Can we talk about them together?"
Observations reduce defensiveness and invite shared problem-solving.
2. Name the Impact, Not the Intent
Instead of assuming why something happened, focus on how it affects the team:
"When deadlines shift without communication, it puts pressure on others. I want us to find a way to prevent that."
This keeps the conversation grounded in collective responsibility.
3. Use Boundary-Setting as Care, Not Control
Boundaries are not punishments; they are clarity.
"I want us to be able to work sustainably through the rest of the year. To do that, we need to reset a few expectations."
This frames boundaries as support, not correction.
4. Invite the Other Person into the Solution
People commit to solutions they help shape. They may also have valuable insight you might overlook.
"What would make this easier for you? What support do you need to meet these expectations?"
Collaboration strengthens trust.
Closing Reflection
When I think back to that professor at Southeastern University, I'm reminded that the conversation I was so uncomfortable having didn't immediately change his behavior. But it did something equally important. It made clear what I expected of the people who worked together in our academic community.
And perhaps that was the real turning point. Once those expectations were established and consistently reinforced, the culture began to change. Eventually, so did he.
As leaders, we sometimes hesitate because we aren't sure how someone will respond or whether our words will make a difference. But we don't have to control the outcome of every difficult conversation. We do have a responsibility to address what needs our attention.
The conversation you are avoiding today may be the very one that helps shape the culture you want tomorrow.
Reflective prompt: What conversation have you been putting off, and what might change if you finally had it?
About the Author
Telaekah Brooks is a facilitator with Presidential Consultants. She brings more than 15 years of university leadership experience, including leading multi-institution, cross-sector partnerships focused on improving outcomes for children and youth.
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